Hadn’t posted in a couple weeks because I’ve been tired from trying to hold many things together all at once, particularly working to get my son the services and accommodations he needs at school. Special education processes are daunting and draining. I hope to be an answer to that, but more on that later.

I haven’t had the brain capacity or motivation to post, which is an “I”- centered albeit real (and ADHD) way to describe what I’ve been feeling. I was looking back at old journal entries the other day and one hit me hard. I hope it resonates with you too. Caveat – I’m still tired and have a migraine right now, so you, beloved, are getting this post as it is from my notes – with the lack of organization / structure and all (edit: my type A-ness didn’t let that happen, so there was some wordsmithing I did to my raw notes).

Isaiah 40:31 – But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. 

Delving into the cultural and historical context of the Scripture and the meaning behind the words has added a richness to my understanding of the Scripture. For verse 31:

• Koach is the Hebrew word for “strength, power, capacity, or ability.” It can refer to physical strength or the inner capacity to accomplish something.
• Chalaph or ḥālap̄ is the Hebrew word for “renew” and it literally means to change, pass on, or exchange.
• Qavah or qāvâ is the Hebrew word for “wait” and it carries the idea of eagerly waiting or anticipating rather than passively being inactive. The root word is associated with twisting or binding threads to make a strong rope.

Verse 31 is conveying an exchange of God’s divine strength for mine, not an increase of the strength I have right now. I get new strength that can endure, strength that is divinely sustained. I’m not waiting for God to give my human, strength, ability, and capacity a boost. I’m surrendering those, laying them down, to receive them in a form that comes from an inexhaustible source. In the surrender, despite being uncertain, I can eagerly anticipate God to move on my behalf. Thus, the strength doesn’t come from knowing but from trusting and believing in the hand and heart of a God who sent His only son to die for me while I was yet His enemy, subject to the eternal death that sin deserves, and separated from holiness. The significance of this is beyond words because God is holy and loves only that which is holy, so to send His son to die for the unholy means He desired so deeply humanity’s reconciliation to Him. It speaks volumes. While we doubt Him and turn our back on Him, He still pursues relationship with us that none of us would perish (2 Peter 3:9).

Verse 31 isn’t about feeling powerful, and it doesn’t promise that we won’t get tired; the verse mentions soaring, running, and walking, giving a picture of moving effortlessly, moving with endurance, and moving slowly. The promise is that when I trust in God, I don’t have to rely on my own capacity to keep going. I don’t have to worry about exhaustion and limitations having the final say over my ability to continue moving forward. I can be tired and still hold on. I can be uncertain and still be grounded because I’m certain about the One on whom I’m waiting to show up. As I place my expectation in God rather than in me, my resources, or other people, He supplies the capacity, ability, and vitality that I don’t possess within myself. Where culture sees strength in self-sufficiency, we, as believers, find strength in surrender and can maintain through uncertainty because we’re not the source of our strength.

Strength doesn’t always mean we feel unstoppable. Sometimes, walking without fainting is the miracle. May we reframe our perspective on strength – that there is power in surrendering it and that it looks different in any given season. May we see the joy and significance in sustained strength over the glamor of abundant strength. Many of us are just trying to make it through the everyday, un-curated moments anyway. Because the verse doesn’t synonymize strength with feeling strong, it means we can live in our reality – tired, confused, over it – and still be strong.

I’d been reflecting on “waiting on the Lord” during another hard moment with and exhaustion from fighting the special education system. I was crying as I reflected on the pain, frustration, and disappointment of dealing with the same systemic resistance and obstinance for six years (in two different states, might I add). I wasn’t feeling heard or helped. I felt (and feel) that the system resists those who it’s supposed to help and further marginalizes those who are already marginalized. I realized my tears, thought they were a result of the real experiences of my humanity, indicated a fluctuation in my focus. I’d been depending on and desiring for people to be the source of the solution. I had taken my eyes off the “hills where my help comes from.” People crucified a perfect man, so they are not exactly the best judge of character, circumstances, and problem solving. God stands outside of the system and has no equal, so I need not be disheartened by or put my trust in the system. I can process my reality and how it’s impacting me and not remain stuck there. I choose to believe God is using it and working it for my good. Don’t lose heart. Be of good courage. Be not afraid because my God who…

Is alive and well

Sits outside of time

Was, is, and is to come

Holds everything in His hands

To whom every knee will bow

Calls me and my son His righteousness

Made us a little lower than the angels

Made us in His image

Defeated death, hell, and the grave

Brings valleys of bones to life

Raises the dead

Heals the sick

Created everything with a word, a breath

Knows no boundaries

…is protecting my son, providing for him, and working on his behalf.

My job is to be prepared for meetings, pursue peace in coming to a solution, voice my concerns, complete my follow-ups, be an image bearer of Christ, and wait on the Lord. I don’t need to see perfect circumstances when I serve a perfect God. The resistance isn’t an end unto itself but for the powerful display of the glory of God. This means that the resistance is temporary because it has to accomplish the actual end: God’s glory. Because I’m called to be a witness where I am however I am, I must engage the system with Christlikeness because doing so has the power to change not only my son’s life, but also the lives of those who are witnesses.

I have nothing to fear – not man, not fear itself.

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Sometimes, walking without fainting is the miracle