You know the song “Oceans” by Hillsong? Well, this is my wading into one…
I feel the Lord nudging me to write a post about my current financial standing. It’s August 1st and rent is due today. I don’t have the money for rent, which means I have to send a text to my landlord that I was hoping I’d never have to send. For a little back story, I lost my job in August 2025, and I felt God telling me not to look for another job. I’ll delve into that more in another post. At this time, I feel God nudging me to let people in on the struggle, the journey that’s in progress – before He delivers me, not after. Plus, that’s the purpose of this site, to be real and raw and vulnerable. This level of transparency into my personal life is incredibly unnatural for me; through and through, I’m a private person. Only select members of my family even know this information so to share this with anyone who finds this corner of the internet feels embarrassing. It feels like it invites people’s pity on me, which I don’t want. But nobody gets saved, spiritual chains don’t break, and fear doesn’t flee when I remain closed off. If my vulnerability means that someone else gets set free mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, or any other way, then vulnerable is what I’ll be.
I’m sitting here reading the book of Philippians this morning because I wanted to turn my attention to Paul’s writings on contentment again, which I’ve returned to several times throughout this last year of unemployment because contentment has been critical for me to keep top of mind. Paul calls contentment the secret to life. I opened Philippians to navigate to chapter 4, but chapter 1 caught my eye, then I just read through the whole book.
Philippians 1:20 – For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ…
There is no shame in surrendering to the will and work of God in my life. People will have their opinions, but they don’t know what God has spoken to me. Why didn’t you get a job? Why didn’t you plan for this better? All the things. But nobody really knows my life or is living my life (or yours), so try to drown out any noise and stay focused on what God is telling you. I feel like I surrendered to God’s plan for my life for this year and I wouldn’t change it. It’s been a blessing in so many ways and, yes, it’s been hard, too. This year is breaking away my dependence on me and my finances. It’s been an unnatural journey for sure and illogical by all human understanding, but it’s been out of faith in and obedience to God.
Philippians 1:29-30 – For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him. We are in this struggle together. You have seen my struggle in the past, and you know that I am still in the midst of it.
These verses right here say it all. It is a privilege to suffer for Christ because it means we also glory in Him. A believer doesn’t suffer for suffering’s sake. Suffering is not the end. The crucifixion was not the end. The grave was not the end. Resurrection followed, along with eternal glory. We go from glory to glory – not from suffering to suffering.
Also, I’ve created this site to encourage people, to witness where I am, however I am (which just means in whatever circumstance, mindset, season, etc.), and to remind you that you’re not alone in your suffering either. To say, “hey, look, I’m struggling too. We’re both struggling. And the struggle is not the end all, be all.” If you’re reading this and you’re in the midst of unemployment or financial strain and don’t know how things are going to pan out or if you’re facing uncertainty in any area of your life, know that you are in the company of someone else who is also struggling. I don’t know your struggle personally, but I’m laying bare my struggle. This level of vulnerability for me is second only to being a mother. Though nerve-wrecking, it’s still a blessing to take you on this journey because you get to see how God will use it and work it out versus my giving my testimony after the fact. Hearing people’s testimony after God has delivered them is still incredibly powerful. I think of people who are really wealthy now and they tell you about the time they had like $5 in their bank account. That is so encouraging and it gives me hope. But, seeing you now, after everything has worked out financially, my brain can’t really reconcile how you went from $5 in your account or living in your car to a business tycoon or something like that. Again, that’s incredibly powerful, but sometimes we need stories of people in the midst of it. When I was first working on this post, I was recording it on my phone so my thoughts could just flow and my voice was shaking because this is terrifying to me, to lay bare my personal life; but, if it helps you to “grow and experience the joy of your faith” (v. 25), then, by all means, I will take on the privilege of “suffering for him” (v. 29).
My life is for the purpose of doing fruitful work for God (v. 22) and being bold for him (v.20). A believer’s life will and should look countercultural. The world doesn’t say to love your enemies. God’s word says that. The world doesn’t say to forgive endlessly, but, instead, to turn your back on people who do you wrong. A life pursuing the divine won’t make sense to the natural. Pursue anyway and “don’t be intimidated in any way by your enemies” (v. 28). It honestly doesn’t have to be just enemies, either. It could be people who are family and friends and who are well-meaning, who want to pull you out of the suffering. My mother. I can’t imagine how it hurts her to have a daughter and a grandson in the situation that I’m in. Having a child of my own, I know that all you want to do is save them from pain. You don’t want them to experience any suffering. But like I told her, I have to know God for myself (at some point, maybe I’ll post the message that I sent her to hopefully calm her heart). I can’t live on borrowed faith, the faith of those who came before me. I have to grow my relationship with God myself, and it’s not always going to be easy.
Philippians 3:10-11 – I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!
Like I said earlier, suffering for Christ means glory. It means experiencing the miraculous. As a believer, we have to get away from wanting to live a life of comfort. The pain we experience especially for God He will work out for our good. My employment isn’t the end all be all. My financial uncertainty isn’t the end all be all, but it is for the glory of Christ.
Philippians 2:3-4 – Don’t be selfish; Don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too.
It would be self-centered of me to keep my struggle to myself if it has the possibility to encourage somebody else in theirs. And though impressing others wasn’t the reason I thought twice about avoiding the vulnerability of my transparency, people’s judgment and pity were. People can’t be my north star. God has to be. “If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant” (Galatians 1:10). This post and this site are my thinking of your well-being above my own comfort and people’s perception of me. I have no other reason for airing out my personal life lol, but that doing so would be for the glory of God and that it would help somebody somewhere. On August 8th, I will have been unemployed for a year. The purpose of this year has been spiritual growth and character development. The reason I’m writing this post is out of deep reverence for God (Philippians 2:12, 17), which means that I hold with way more significance and weight God’s assessment of me than the world’s. His view of me matters more than my view of me, than the world’s view of me.
My goal is to become one with Christ (Philippians 3:8-9), for people to see me and see Christ. Yes, I’m flawed and my jagged edges will show because I’m human, but my desire is to live like Him, to love like Him, to live for Him, and to bear His image. There is nothing that can sustain me like God can. The very world is held together by His hands, created from a word He merely spoke. If He can do all that, surely, He will provide for me financially so I press on to see what the end will be (Philippians 3:14). I haven’t suffered all that I have suffered throughout my life (as a result of my own choices, others’ actions, and generally living in a broken world) to not see what the end will be. Not even in the least. Christ was obedient unto death. My surrender to Him in this season means the death of any ego and any reliance of people’s perception of me. Ultimately, my citizenship is in heaven not in this world (v. 20).
An Open Invitation
My joy, my hope, and my invitation is that if you are a non-believer that you would receive the gift of salvation. The Bible says that by confessing with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believing in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved (Romans 10:9-10). That’s it. That’s all. It’s not a matter of perfect church attendance or how much scripture you can quote. It’s a matter of heart posture. Attendance and time in God’s word will come voluntarily as you grow in relationship with Him.
I know this personally. This morning, I opened my Bible to read Philippians 4 then read the whole book (of Philippians lol) because God’s word is so rich to me. I used to hear people say this, but I wasn’t in a place in my faith or my relationship with God where I believed it for myself but now I really do. I take so much joy in reading the word of God and being in his presence. Also, I use Chat GPT like a pseudo-seminary to break down the cultural context of scripture and it makes for an even richer experience. There is so much wisdom and light and love and pain and encouragement and hope and grief and suffering in the word of God. So much to help us in our current season. That’s how I read the Bible. I think of a person or story in the Bible that aligns topically, emotionally, or spiritually with what I’m going through, meaning contentment in very limiting circumstances is one of my go-to’s right now leading me to Paul and Philippians. When (not if) I’m struggling with confidence, I go to Moses or Gideon. Also, I go to Gideon when I think about facing seemingly unbeatable odds (God reduces the size of his army from 32,000 to 300 so that only God could get the glory). I think of David when God calls me to do things beyond my capability or to seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I ruminate on the fact that because God called me to whatever I’m facing, my victory is sure. David, again, when my failures try to convince me that I could somehow be separated from God’s love. God called David a man after His own heart despite knowing in advance what David’s failures would be. Moreover, David chose continued relationship with God even after suffering consequences of his actions and dealing with enemies trying to overthrow him as the king of Israel. Same with Job. Lord, have mercy, poor Job. That God would offer up for incomprehensible trauma a man who HE called upstanding and righteous and who HE bragged about in heaven, I just can’t. Still, Job maintained a surrendered heart. So, I go to Job when dealing with inexplicable grief and suffering.
Philippians 4:15-17 stood out to me given how fitting it is to my circumstances. In verse 15, Paul acknowledges the financial help the Philippians sent him while he was in Thessalonica then follows that up by saying he isn’t acknowledging their help because he wants a gift from them (v. 17). The verse stood out to me because I’m talking about the fact that my rent is due and I don’t have the money to pay it at the moment. This post isn’t for the purpose of pity or handouts, but for surrender and obedience to Christ and encouragement to you. If you find this post and you are in similar circumstances, keep holding on. Keep holding on. Keep holding on. Keep believing that this is not the end all be all. God didn’t bring you this far for it to end like this. He takes us from glory to glory so your current circumstance is not the end because there’s glory that He has to get out of it. The story did not end in the burial of Jesus Christ but in his resurrection and ascension into heaven where he continues to reign. That’s the glory. Remember that there is a reason for what you are going through and that reason is for a greater good. My heart is with you. Please send a prayer request if you’d like and let me pray for you. You’re not alone. The experience of suffering is a global one, whether you’re a believer or not. If you’re not a believer, I pray that you would consider relationship with God. As you can see, relationship with God doesn’t mean a perfect, struggle-free life. It does mean, however, that suffering is not the end. I don’t believe God’s forsaken me. I believe my current season is for greater good. And if that means even one person accepts Christ as a result of reading this post, it is totally worth it.
The grave was not the end. Resurrection followed, along with eternal glory. We go from glory to glory – not from suffering to suffering.
yāḏa 